What is codependency?

Codependency is an unhealthy relationship with another person. It's a way of seeking approval and acceptance, and avoiding responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts and behaviours.

Co means two, so one half of the relationship will be the DEPENDENT, the Taker, and the other half will be the DEPENDEE, the Giver

Codependency isn't limited to romantic relationships; it can also happen between friends or family members too.

What are the signs and symptoms?

It is a shame based illness and can manifest in all manner of ways, from perfectionism and high expectations of self, diminished sense of self, anxiety, rage, control, depression, negative thoughts and or self -talk and many more.

There are many patterns that form in codependency: Here are a few:

Denial Pattern

• Alter and deny true feelings
• Find it hard to identify how you feel.
• Perceive self as unselfish

Low Self Esteem Patterns

• Embarrassed to receive gifts or compliments
• Have difficulty in admitting a mistake
• Harsh judgement on what you say or do as being never good enough

Compliance

• Extremely loyal to extent of remaining in harmful situations to long
• Compromise self, value and integrity to avoid rejection and anger of others
• Hypervigilant of others feelings to extent of taking on those feelings

Control Pattern

• Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves and it becomes your responsibility to caretake others.
• Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance
• Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others or demand that your needs are met by others.

Avoidance Patterns

• Pull people towards them, but once they get too close push them away.
• Suppress feelings and needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• Avoid emotional, physical or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.

What are the causes of codependency?

Codependency is a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family; it can be learnt behaviour and or a result of trauma and abuse. It greatly affects the relationship with the self and with others.

Once we become aware of the damage that codependency creates we need help to understand why, and with that can come change. These are often behaviours that we learnt way back when we were little children and at the time they served to protect us but now in adulthood they no longer serve and create huge resentment and self worth issues.

Codependency can be linked to families with issues around other addictions such as alcohol, drugs, food and many more.

If you think you or someone close to you is in a codependent relationship and they would benefit from some support, please get in contact with me at Jan Scoones Counselling to see if I can help.