Shame and codependency are often linked because shame can contribute to the development of codependent behaviours and relationships.
Codependency refers to a pattern of behaviour in which a person excessively relies on others for their sense of self-worth and identity. Codependent individuals may struggle with setting boundaries, saying no, and may feel responsible for other people's emotions and actions. They may also struggle with a fear of abandonment, which can lead them to prioritise others' needs over their own.
Shame is a feeling of unworthiness or inadequacy that can arise from a variety of experiences, including trauma, abuse, or neglect. Shame can lead individuals to feel as though they are inherently flawed or defective, which can fuel codependent behaviours. For example, a person may feel ashamed of their own needs or emotions, believing that they are selfish or unreasonable. As a result, they may suppress these needs and focus solely on meeting the needs of others, even if it comes at a cost to their own well-being.
Shame as the driving force
Shame is a common feeling among people who have an addiction, and codependency can be seen as relationship addiction. It is a feeling that your value as a person is less than others' because you have done something wrong or made mistakes. Shame doesn't always mean there has been behaviour that needs to be changed; sometimes we feel shame because of our thoughts or feelings, not what we actually do or say.
Shame is often confused with guilt because they both carry an emotional charge that creates negative emotions in us. However, shame differs from guilt in that it's more severe than just feeling bad about something we've done - it goes deeper into the core of who we are as people. When we feel shame it makes us feel like our whole identity is flawed or damaged because of one thing that has happened to us or several things put together.
When we feel shame, it's important to understand that it's a feeling - and not a fact. Shame can be used as a motivator to change our behaviour and do better in certain situations, but if we let shame dictate how we live our lives, it will hold us back from being happy and making progress towards our goals.
Shame is often tied up with codependency because of how much shame we feel when someone else rejects us or doesn't approve of us as they want us to be, or even just because they don't like who we are. Because shame is tied to believing that you're not good enough as you are and that you need to change yourself in order for others to accept you, it makes sense why so many people suffer from this type of self-destructive behaviour.
The feeling of shame can lead to negative behaviours such as making excuses for bad behaviour or lying about what you've done wrong. You might think that making excuses or lying is better than admitting the truth, but it only makes things worse in the long run. When you make excuses or lie about your actions (or lack of actions), it's sending a message that says: "I'm not good enough."
When we start believing this message about ourselves, then we will continue to use these same types of negative behaviours over and over again because they help us avoid being judged by others--and sometimes even ourselves!
Shame is a difficult emotion to deal with, but it's important to remember that you're not alone. If you feel like your life is ruled by shame, then it may be time for some therapeutic help or even just talking about how these feelings affect your everyday life.
If you think you or someone close to you is in a codependent relationship and they would benefit from some support, please get in contact with me at Jan Scoones Counselling to see if I can help.