Control is a powerful force that can impact our relationships in many ways. In the context of codependency, control can be both a cause and a symptom of the relationship dynamic. It is a pattern of behaviour in which one person enables or supports the unhealthy behaviour of another, often to the point of neglecting their own needs and well-being. Control can play a significant role in the codependent relationship, with the enabler often feeling the need to control the addicted partner's behaviour to maintain the relationship.

So why do codependents feel the need to control others?

For many, it stems from a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection. The codependent partner may believe that they need to control the other person's behaviour to keep them in the relationship, or they may feel that they are responsible for the other person's well-being. This need for control can also stem from a desire to avoid conflict, to maintain the illusion of a functional relationship and to make them feel safe.

What does control look like in a codependent relationship?

In a codependent relationship, controlling behaviour can take many forms. For example, the enabler may criticise the other person's behaviour, monitor their actions, or try to manipulate their decisions. Jealousy can also be a form of control, with the enabler feeling threatened by the other person's relationships or activities outside the relationship. Enabling, or supporting the other person's unhealthy behaviour, can also be a way of exerting control, with the enabler feeling that they are needed by the other person. Enabling can take many forms, such as covering up for their mistakes, supporting them financially, rescuing them from consequences, excusing their behaviour or taking on their responsibilities.

A lack of personal boundaries is another form of controlling behaviour in a codependent relationship. The enabler may neglect their own needs and well-being, focusing instead on meeting the needs of the other person. This can lead to a sense of resentment or frustration, with the enabler feeling that their efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated.

If you are struggling with codependency and controlling behaviour, there are steps you can take to help yourself. First, it's important to recognize that you cannot control the other person's behaviour. You can only control your own reactions and choices. Setting boundaries and focusing on your own needs can help you break free from the codependent dynamic and build healthier relationships. Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can also be beneficial in overcoming codependency and developing healthy patterns of behaviour. Remember, it's never too late to start taking steps towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

If you think you or someone close to you is in a codependent relationship and they would benefit from some support, please get in contact with me at Jan Scoones Counselling to see if I can help.