As an online and face to face counsellor working with clients in the Reading area, I often encounter people struggling to understand their chaotic relationship patterns. Do you find yourself both desperately wanting close relationships yet feeling terrified of them? Perhaps you swing between intensely pursuing connection and then pushing people away? These could be signs of fearful-avoidant attachment.
What is Fearful Avoidant Attachment?
Fearful avoidant attachment is a complex attachment style that develops when our primary caregiver is inconsistent in their parenting, emotionally unavailable and or abusive or neglectful. All attachment styles are formed from birth to 5 years of age, typically with our main caregiver, usually our mother. When this early relationship is marked by unpredictability, abuse, or severe neglect, it can lead to a fearful avoidant attachment.
Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
People with fearful avoidant attachment often experience a profound fear of both intimacy and abandonment. They may have unpredictable responses to emotional closeness and find it difficult to trust others, even while craving connection. Intense emotional reactions in relationships are common, as is a tendency to expect the worst from others. Many struggle to maintain stable relationships and find it challenging to regulate their emotions, leading to a pattern of push-pull behaviour in relationships.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
People with fearful avoidant attachment often find themselves caught in a painful cycle. They deeply desire close relationships but feel overwhelmed when they get them. This can manifest as sabotaging relationships when they become too intimate, choosing unavailable or unsafe partners, or struggling to accept love and care from others. Many find it difficult to maintain consistent boundaries and experience intense anxiety about relationships.
Understanding Your Patterns
Recognising these patterns in yourself can be both challenging and liberating. It's important to understand that fearful avoidant attachment isn't your fault - it developed as a way to protect yourself in challenging early circumstances.
Breaking the Cycle
While fearful avoidant attachment can create significant challenges, healing is possible. The first step is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. With this awareness, you can begin to develop more consistent relationship patterns, learn to gradually trust others and create more stable connections. Learning to regulate emotional responses and build healthy boundaries becomes possible with support and practice.
As a counsellor, I've supported many clients in understanding and working through their fearful avoidant attachment patterns. If you recognise these patterns in yourself and want to work towards more stable, fulfilling relationships, I'm here to help.
Don't hesitate to reach out and schedule a session. Together, we can explore your attachment style, understand its impact on your relationships, and develop strategies to create more secure connections. Your journey towards healthier relationships begins with understanding these patterns and learning new ways of relating to others.
Remember, while fearful avoidant attachment can feel overwhelming, change is possible. With support and commitment to understanding yourself, you can learn a more secure way of being.