When we think of addiction, we often think of substances like alcohol, drugs, or activities like gambling. However, there is another type of addiction known as codependency, which refers to a one-sided relationship where one person, the helper, finds fulfillment through being needed. It can also be defined as a ‘relationship addiction’. Codependents lack a sense of self and rely on relationships to provide them with a sense of identity. Their relationships are not reciprocal, and they meet other people's needs while ignoring their own.

Childhood trauma and codependency
Codependency typically develops in childhood as a survival skill. Children want to be and need to be loved, but those who grow up in an unhealthy environment and do not get their needs met often learn to distort reality. They develop a fawning response to threat, becoming helpful to the other person as a way to escape.
Children who fawn often become their parent's caregiver, doing things beyond their age and experience, such as calling for appliance repairs or providing emotional support to their parent. They don’t blame the parent for this, instead, they often blame themselves and think they are the problem.

The most concerning outcome of codependency is that the child fails to develop a sense of self, and their identity becomes linked to taking care of others. This pattern often repeats itself throughout their life, depriving them of the benefits that meaningful relationships can offer.

It is essential to recognize codependent relationships and seek help if you or someone you know is struggling with codependency. Therapy can help identify patterns of codependency and support the development of a healthy sense of self. By acknowledging and addressing codependency, individuals can move towards building fulfilling, reciprocal relationships.

Signs you may be codependent
Here are some signs that you may be in a codependent relationship. A key question to ask yourself is ‘Is your self-worth dependent on someone needing you?’ If the answer is yes, then you may find it difficulty expressing your thoughts and emotions, always prioritizing the needs of others over your own needs.

Constantly seeking approval or validation from others and difficulty setting boundaries or saying "no" are also key signs that you may be codependent.

If you feel responsible for other people's feelings and actions and you fear of rejection or abandonment, this may be a result of trauma suffered during childhood. Other signs include: an excessive need to control situations or people; low self-esteem or negative self-image; difficulty making decisions without the input or approval of others; or feeling guilty or ashamed when taking care of yourself.

While some of these traits are not uncommon, if you are experiencing some of them and they are having a detrimental impact on your life, preventing you from living your life to the fullest, then seeking support may be the best way for you to explore the root cause of your codependence and work towards forming more healthy relationships.

If you think you or someone close to you is in a codependent relationship and they would benefit from some support, please get in contact with me at Jan Scoones Counselling to see if I can help.