Do you often leave a conversation wondering if you’re the one who has got it wrong? Do you find yourself apologising, even when you’re not sure what you’ve done? Perhaps you’ve started to doubt your own memory, your judgement, or even your sanity.

As a counsellor and psychotherapist working with clients in the Reading area, I often hear people describe this confusing feeling. Many have never had a name for it. Often, it’s gaslighting.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person causes another to question their own reality. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its later film adaptations, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind.

It can happen in romantic relationships, families, friendships and workplaces. It is rarely a single dramatic event. More often it builds slowly, through small comments and repeated denials, until you no longer feel able to trust your own perceptions.

Common signs of gaslighting

Gaslighting can be subtle, so it helps to know what to look out for. You may recognise some of these:

• Your memories are regularly challenged. “That never happened.” “You’re remembering it wrong.”
• Your feelings are dismissed. “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” “It was only a joke.”
• You’re blamed for the other person’s behaviour. “I wouldn’t have shouted if you hadn’t pushed me.”
• You find yourself apologising constantly, often without knowing what for.
• You feel confused, anxious or on edge, as though you’re always walking on eggshells.
• You’ve stopped trusting your own decisions, and you check with the other person before making even small choices.
• You make excuses for their behaviour to friends and family, or avoid telling people what’s really going on.
• You feel like a different person from the one you used to be: less confident, less certain, less yourself.

Everyone misremembers things or disagrees from time to time. Gaslighting is different because it is a pattern, and it leaves you feeling smaller and more doubtful of yourself over time.

Why does gaslighting work?

Gaslighting works because it targets something we all depend on: trust in our own mind. Most of us want to believe the people close to us, so when someone we love or respect insists that we’ve got it wrong, it’s natural to start doubting ourselves.

Isolation often plays a part. The more cut off you become from people who might offer a different view, the easier it is for someone else’s version of events to take over. Past experiences matter too. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or minimised, gaslighting can feel painfully familiar, and it can be harder to spot.

It’s also important to say that being gaslit is not a sign of weakness or gullibility. It can happen to anyone, however intelligent, capable or self-aware.

How to begin trusting yourself again

Rebuilding self-trust takes time, but it is possible. Some things that can help:

1. Name what’s happening. Simply recognising the pattern can be a huge relief. It helps you see that the confusion isn’t a flaw in you.
2. Write things down. Keeping a private journal of events, conversations and how you felt can help you hold on to your own account.
3. Talk to someone you trust. An outside perspective from a friend, family member or counsellor can help you check in with reality.
4. Notice your body. Tension, a knot in the stomach or a sense of dread can be useful signals that something doesn’t feel right.
5. Be gentle with yourself. You may feel shame, anger or grief as you begin to see things more clearly. All of this is understandable.
6. Consider your boundaries. Over time, you may want to think about what you will and won’t accept, and what support you need to hold those limits.

Getting help

You don’t have to work all of this out on your own. Counselling offers a calm, confidential space where your experience is taken seriously and you can start to hear your own voice again. Together we can explore what has been happening, make sense of how it has affected you, and rebuild your confidence and trust in yourself at a pace that feels right for you.

If anything in this post has struck a chord, I’d be glad to hear from you. I offer in-person sessions near Twyford, Reading and Wokingham, as well as online sessions. Please get in touch to book an initial session and take the first step towards feeling like yourself again.